Roast mode 🔥

A conservative portfolio that plays it safer than a kid in bubble wrap but still trips over its own strategy

Report created on Jun 10, 2025

Risk profile Info

2/7
Conservative
Less risk More risk

Diversification profile Info

1/5
Single-Focused
Less diversification More diversification

Positions

Diving into this portfolio feels like unearthing a time capsule from an era when people thought "diversification" meant owning both stocks and bonds and nothing else. With a heavy tilt towards conservative assets like inflation-protected securities and bonds, it's clear the strategy here is "safety first, second, and third." However, the sprinkle of high-dividend stocks and a dash of precious metals feels like adding a spoiler to a minivan – sure, it's there, but what's the point?

Growth Info

Historically, pulling in a CAGR of 9.61% with a max drawdown of -41.19% is like winning a race against tortoises; impressive in a certain light, but not exactly a heart-pounding achievement. The days contributing to 90% of returns being so few suggests this portfolio occasionally sprints, then spends the rest of the time napping. It's the financial equivalent of a "one-hit wonder," minus the catchy tune.

Projection Info

Monte Carlo simulations show a wide range of outcomes, from a modest 39.3% to an eye-watering 873.1% growth, which is like forecasting weather from sunshine to a hurricane. But remember, Monte Carlo is to investing what fortune cookies are to life advice: vaguely interesting but not a plan. Betting the farm on the upper end of these projections would be as wise as planning retirement around lottery winnings.

Asset classes Info

  • Stocks
    50%
  • Bonds
    39%
  • Other
    9%
  • Cash
    3%

Fifty shades of conservative with stocks and bonds making up the lion's share, and "other" (presumably metals and magic beans) taking up the rear. This portfolio has the thrill level of a paddle boat in a kiddie pool. It's so cautious it makes crossing the street look like an extreme sport. Expanding into more dynamic asset classes might just save it from sinking into the sea of mediocrity.

Sectors Info

  • Consumer Staples
    19%
  • Technology
    10%
  • Financials
    6%
  • Health Care
    4%
  • Industrials
    3%
  • Consumer Discretionary
    3%
  • Utilities
    2%
  • Telecommunications
    1%
  • Energy
    1%
  • Basic Materials
    1%

The sector spread here whispers "safety" with a heavy nod towards consumer defensive and technology. But leaning hard into sectors like these without a counterbalance is like betting all your money on black because it hit once. Tech's past performance is not a reliable fortune teller, and consumer defensive won't always save the day when the market throws a tantrum.

Regions Info

  • North America
    47%
  • Europe Developed
    1%

With nearly half the portfolio in North America and a token gesture towards Europe, this portfolio has "home country bias" written all over it. It's like refusing to eat anything but hamburgers in a world cuisine buffet. Expanding globally might feel like a leap into the unknown, but it's better than betting everything on your backyard.

Market capitalization Info

  • Large-cap
    29%
  • Mega-cap
    13%
  • No data
    9%
  • Mid-cap
    6%
  • Small-cap
    1%

A mix skewed towards big and mega caps, suggesting a love affair with the giants of the market. It's like only watching blockbuster movies and never giving indie films a chance. Sure, the big guys have a history of stability, but ignoring the potential in smaller markets is like refusing to learn from past market Cinderella stories.

Redundant positions Info

  • iShares Core Aggressive Allocation ETF
    iShares MSCI ACWI Low Carbon Target ETF
    iShares MSCI KLD 400 Social ETF
    High correlation

The high correlation among some ETFs in this portfolio is like having ten different remotes for the same TV. It looks like you've got options, but really, you're just changing the channel on the same old show. Streamlining these overlapping assets could turn this confusing setup into a sleek, efficient portfolio command center.

Risk vs. return

This chart shows the Efficient Frontier, calculated using your current assets with different allocation combinations. It highlights the best balance between risk and return based on historical data. "Efficient" portfolios maximize returns for a given risk or minimize risk for a given return. Portfolios below the curve are less efficient. This is informational and not a recommendation to buy or sell any assets.

Click on the colored dots to explore allocations.

Efficiency isn't just about doing things right; it's about doing the right things. This portfolio, with its mishmash of correlated assets and conservative leanings, is like using a map from the 1800s to navigate modern city streets. Sure, you might get where you're going, but there are definitely better ways. Embracing a more efficient risk-return mix could turn this old-timey carriage into a sleek sports car.

Dividends Info

  • iShares Core Aggressive Allocation ETF 2.20%
  • Vanguard Total Bond Market Index Fund ETF Shares 3.80%
  • iShares MSCI ACWI Low Carbon Target ETF 1.80%
  • iShares Core Dividend Growth ETF 2.20%
  • iShares MSCI KLD 400 Social ETF 1.00%
  • Altria Group 6.80%
  • Restaurant Brands International Inc 3.40%
  • Vanguard Short-Term Inflation-Protected Securities Index Fund ETF Shares 2.80%
  • Weighted yield (per year) 2.95%

The portfolio's average dividend yield of 2.95% is like finding loose change under the sofa cushions; nice to have but not life-changing. While dividends can provide a steady income stream, overreliance on them in a low-yield environment is like hoping those sofa coins will pay the rent. It might be time to look for growth opportunities beyond just cashing checks.

Ongoing product costs Info

  • iShares Core Aggressive Allocation ETF 0.15%
  • Vanguard Total Bond Market Index Fund ETF Shares 0.03%
  • iShares MSCI ACWI Low Carbon Target ETF 0.20%
  • iShares Core Dividend Growth ETF 0.08%
  • iShares MSCI KLD 400 Social ETF 0.25%
  • abrdn Physical Precious Metals Basket Shares ETF 0.60%
  • Vanguard Short-Term Inflation-Protected Securities Index Fund ETF Shares 0.04%
  • Weighted costs total (per year) 0.11%

With a total expense ratio (TER) of 0.11%, at least the portfolio isn't bleeding money through fees. It's like finding a low-cost buffet that doesn't give you food poisoning – surprisingly good value. In a world where fees can eat into returns like termites in a wooden house, this portfolio at least has its cost-control measures in place.

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