Roast mode 🔥

A safe snooze-fest masquerading as a portfolio with a wild side

Report created on Aug 2, 2025

Risk profile Info

4/7
Balanced
Less risk More risk

Diversification profile Info

3/5
Moderately Diversified
Less diversification More diversification

Positions

At first glance, this portfolio seems like it was built by someone who thought "diversification" meant holding every Vanguard fund they could find. With 70% in a total stock market ETF, it’s like putting all your eggs in one basket and then calling it a diversified meal because you threw in a couple of bond and international ETFs as garnish. It’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet and only loading up on salad — sure, it’s a choice, but why?

Growth Info

Historically, this portfolio chugged along with a CAGR of 10.93%, which isn't shabby until you realize it's basically riding the coattails of a bullish market. The max drawdown of nearly 30% should be a wake-up call that when the market sneezes, this portfolio catches a cold. It's like celebrating a marathon finish without mentioning you biked half of it; the numbers look good until you peek behind the curtain.

Projection Info

The Monte Carlo simulation, with its optimistic 123.4% median growth projection, seems more like a fairy tale than a financial plan. Remember, simulations are educated guesses, not promises. Betting on these numbers is like planning your retirement around winning the lottery — hopeful, but let's not start counting those chickens before they hatch.

Asset classes Info

  • Stocks
    79%
  • Bonds
    16%
  • Cash
    1%

With 79% in stocks, 16% in bonds, and a token gesture towards cash, this portfolio is like a diet that’s all carbs and no protein — unbalanced and probably not sustainable in the long run. The heavy lean on stocks with just a sprinkle of bonds and cash for taste doesn't scream "balanced"; it whispers "I’m afraid of commitment."

Sectors Info

  • Technology
    23%
  • Financials
    12%
  • Consumer Discretionary
    8%
  • Industrials
    8%
  • Health Care
    8%
  • Telecommunications
    7%
  • Consumer Staples
    5%
  • Energy
    3%
  • Real Estate
    2%
  • Basic Materials
    2%
  • Utilities
    2%

The sector spread is like a tech enthusiast who's just discovered other industries exist. With 23% in technology, it’s clear where the heart lies, but the attempt at spreading the love to other sectors feels half-hearted. Financial services, industrials, and healthcare get a look in, but it’s tech’s world — the others are just living in it.

Regions Info

  • North America
    71%
  • Europe Developed
    6%
  • Japan
    2%
  • Asia Developed
    1%
  • Australasia
    1%

The geographic allocation is like saying you love to travel but only ever visiting Canada. With 71% in North America, it's clear there's a home bias stronger than grandma's cooking. The modest nods to Europe, Japan, and Australasia are like those fridge magnets you buy at the airport — more about saying you’ve been there than actually experiencing it.

Market capitalization Info

  • Mega-cap
    33%
  • Large-cap
    25%
  • Mid-cap
    15%
  • Small-cap
    5%
  • Micro-cap
    2%

Leaning 33% on mega-caps is like trusting all your secrets to the popular kids at school — it feels safe until it isn’t. The spread down to micro-caps (2%) is a nod to adventure, but it’s clear this portfolio prefers to stick close to the shore rather than truly exploring the high seas of the market.

Risk vs. return

This chart shows the Efficient Frontier, calculated using your current assets with different allocation combinations. It highlights the best balance between risk and return based on historical data. "Efficient" portfolios maximize returns for a given risk or minimize risk for a given return. Portfolios below the curve are less efficient. This is informational and not a recommendation to buy or sell any assets.

Click on the colored dots to explore allocations.

This portfolio’s idea of risk vs. return optimization is like wearing a belt and suspenders but forgetting your pants. It’s got the basics down with a mix of stocks, bonds, and cash, but the execution lacks finesse. It's playing it so safe on the risk-return spectrum, it's practically in another room.

Dividends Info

  • Vanguard Total Bond Market Index Fund ETF Shares 3.50%
  • Vanguard FTSE Developed Markets Index Fund ETF Shares 2.70%
  • Vanguard Money Market Reserves - Vanguard Cash Reserves Federal Money Market Fund 3.80%
  • Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund ETF Shares 1.20%
  • Weighted yield (per year) 1.82%

The dividend yield strategy here is like finding loose change in the sofa — nice to have, but you're not financing a vacation with it. With a total yield of 1.82%, it's clear income isn't the priority, but even for growth-focused portfolios, a little more attention to dividends wouldn't hurt.

Ongoing product costs Info

  • Vanguard Total Bond Market Index Fund ETF Shares 0.03%
  • Vanguard FTSE Developed Markets Index Fund ETF Shares 0.05%
  • Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund ETF Shares 0.03%
  • Weighted costs total (per year) 0.03%

At least the portfolio keeps costs low with a total TER of 0.03%, which is like finding a luxury car that runs on pocket change. It’s one of the few areas where this portfolio doesn’t need a wake-up call, proving even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while.

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